Insomnia
by Jon Chauttock
Summary: Everybody's got that thing that keeps them up at night. Spitfire, probably Chalant, probably Supermartian. It doesn't show all of the characters, but this will include original Team and Zatanna, and rated M for dark themes and heavy swearing.
1. M'gann

**M'gann**

The reason that I can't – that I _don't_ – sleep at night isn't that different from most other insomniacs. I feel the same pain and hatred that a lot of them do. I get the same appalled stares, I have to listen to people whispering about me, and I have to see the reason behind every issue in my life every single day.

A lot of people like me – I use that term relatively, because there obviously aren't many other Martians on Earth – lost a boyfriend or girlfriend and cry about it at night.

Check.

Almost everybody like me deals with the pain, the insecurity, the _hatred_. It's not because they're insomniacs – though if people find out that somebody is an insomniac, it can be a bad, bad thing – but because they did something horrible.

Check.

They're crying on the outside and dying on the inside, and nobody seems to care.

Check.

I'm a hopeless romantic. I would think that would be obvious – I got all of my information about Earth from Hello Megan, of all things. I want nothing more than the big gesture, or the sweeping declaration of love. I want a guy to sweep me off my feet and take me away from everything and just hold me.

Conner Kent.

Not so much that kind of guy.

He tries, he really does. Or at least he did before I went and screwed everything up.

He wasn't taught emotion by the genomes that took control of him at Cadmus. He was a sweet, caring guy, but he didn't know how to love. He recognized that we were physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually compatible, and he decided to take advantage of that.

I know it sounds animalistic when you put it that way, and it may sound like I'm grossly oversimplifying whatever emotions – if there are any – that Conner has, but he acted like that was what our relationship was based on – compatibility, not love.

So I messed with his mind. It started slow – I pushed him to smile a little more, laugh a little more, _love_ a little more.

It got worse. I began to mentally push him to do the things I had always wanted a boyfriend to do. He brought me flowers for no reason, he kissed me no matter who was there or what was happening, and… well, we had sex.

Hello Megan hadn't taught me anything about sexual intercourse, and neither had Mars or my uncle. Artemis explained it to me when I asked why Black Canary would disappear for about fifteen minutes right after Green Arrow was announced at the Zeta Tubes, and why she would come back to training with disheveled hair and her clothes only half on.

So I got curious. I searched up the word "sex" on the holographic computer I had from Mars, and well… I stumbled onto porn.

At first, I wasn't aroused at all. I was just fascinated by what was happening. I hadn't seen anything like this before. But as I started watching more and more of it… I started doing what most other teenagers do when they watch porn.

I started masturbating. I didn't know much about sex, but I was only human.

Well, I wasn't, but you know what I mean.

I asked Artemis if that was a normal thing to do, and her eyes widened. She started laughing so hard that she could barely answer my question, but I managed to pick up a nod.

Slowly, I started learning. I learned different positions, how they were done, and I learned what both the boy and the girl were supposed to do during sex. I didn't know enough about sex to know that porn wasn't the best place to learn what to do, but it did the trick.

So Conner and I started having sex. He was showing emotion as much as a regular teenage boy would – more, probably, since I was the one pulling the strings – and he was kissing me randomly, passionately, and spontaneously, no matter who was there.

And then it all went wrong.

Of course it was Robin that noticed it first. I had seen him raise his eyebrows whenever Conner would make some big romantic gesture in front of the whole team, but I guess he had just figured that I was teaching Conner my twisted version of Earth customs.

But then he caught us having sex.

Conner and I spent most nights having sex because we were usually the only ones at the Cave. Wally and Artemis went back to their houses, Dick would be off with Batman doing the whole "Dynamic Duo" thing, Kaldur would be in Atlantis, and Zatanna usually went off on solo patrol. Since we were alone, we had a lot of sex.

But the one night Dick wasn't out with Batman, he came to the Cave, and we didn't hear the announcement of his arrival. Nothing happened for a few minutes, but once I screamed, Dick burst into my room and stopped dead.

"M'gann! Are you… what the fuck?"

Conner and I weren't supposed to know anything about sex. Dick, Wally, Artemis, and Zatanna took great pleasure in making blatantly obvious sex jokes and then looking at the blank, confused looks that Kaldur, Conner and I usually wore.

Dick bit back a scream and took out a radio and started speaking into it. "Team meeting at the Cave, right the fuck now. It's urgent."

"Robin, it's just sex! Aliens do it too!" I was visibly pissed off.

"But you and Conner don't even know what sex is, so there's clearly something else going on here."

Conner was just sitting there, staring at Dick with a blank look on his face.

 _"Recognized: Aqualad – B02, Kid Flash – B03, Artemis – B07, Zatanna – B08"_

We heard the announcement of the rest of the Team's arrival, and Conner hastily grabbed his clothes while I shifted back into my normal attire.

The Team walked up to the doorway of my room, looking confused.

"I hate to be the first one to ask this, but… what the hell is going on?" Wally looked annoyed that he had been called to the Cave at one in the morning, shown by his bedhead still standing out.

Artemis had the same look and the same expression. "Yeah, what's happening?"

Dick seemed like he was still trying to get what he had just witnessed out of his head. "I just found these two banging each other, and I'm worried about what could happen, because neither of them knows what sex even is."

Dead silence.

Kaldur spoke first. "What is banging?"

No response.

Artemis spoke next. "M'gann knows what sex is."

Kaldur still looked confused, but Dick, Wally, and Zatanna turned towards me in shocked surprise. "You do?"

I didn't respond, and Dick started thinking. "Conner, do you know what sex is?"

"Yeah. M'gann explained it to me, and since it was something she wanted, I figured I should do it."

I blushed. I hadn't even pushed him to say that.

Dick kept thinking, and his eyebrows shot up as he realized something.

"Conner, did M'gann explain all of this romantic stuff you've been doing also?"

Conner thought for a moment. "No, I don't think so. I just… I had this impulse to do it."

I had to fight to keep the look of horror off of my face. Dick was going to figure it out soon. He had trained under Batman – he would realize what was happening.

So I went inside of his mind. All I was going to do was erase the track of thinking he was on. Just enough to push him off of the trail he was on.

But I felt a push back when I tried to enter his mind, and I couldn't get in.

And then I saw Dick staring at me with a look I've never even seen from Batman. It was worse than a Batglare. It was some mix between shock, disappointment, horror, and anger.

"You tried to enter my mind. You tried to actively change my mind."

His eyebrows shot up as he finally solved what had been happening with Conner over the last few months.

"You've… M'gann, have you been controlling Conner's mind?"

"What? No!" I said it too quickly. It was clear to everybody there that I was lying through my teeth.

"M'gann, you've… you've been controlling me?" The hurt in Conner's voice was evident.

I looked around the room to see everybody's faces.

I saw fury in Wally's eyes.

Horror in Artemis'.

Disappointment in Kaldur's.

Shock in Zatanna's.

A combination of all of them in Dick's.

But the worst was seeing the hurt in Conner's.

So I flew. Out of the Cave, out of Happy Harbor, and far, far away.

* * *

I was gone for about a week. I flew invisibly over the world, just watching everybody below me, reading thoughts. I saw the issues of regular people, and I realized that there wasn't a person in the universe who could understand me. No Martian could control the mind of another Martian, and my uncle had never done anything like this.

I was completely, totally alone. And I couldn't stand that.

So I flew back to the Cave, staying invisible. I wanted to see what the Team had become since I left. I wanted to see if they cared.

Conner was staring at a hole that he had just punched in the Cave wall.

Artemis was comforting a crying Zatanna.

Wally was sparring with Kaldur, but their hearts weren't in it.

And Dick was staring right at me, a knowing look on his face.

"You can go back to being visible, M'gann. I know you're there. The Cave's sensors picked you up."

So I unshielded myself and sank down onto the couch.

Wally and Kaldur walked back into the room, and soon the entire Team was sitting around me.

Silence.

Wally was the one who said it. "How do we trust you now?"

Conner was next. "How do I know which thoughts are mine and which ones you put there?"

"How do we keep you on the Team?" This from Dick.

I sat in silence for a long time.

"I don't know." And the first tear rolled down my cheek.

We all looked at Kaldur. He was the one who was supposed to know what to do when things like this happened.

"I suggest we vote on M'gann's place on the Team, and then decide what to do from there."

We all nodded.

Kaldur went first. "I vote that M'gann should stay. I believe in second chances. M'gann, you made a horrible mistake, but you're a good person."

Wally was next. "She fucked with Conner's head. I can't trust somebody who does that to people, and I can't work with somebody I can't trust."

Zatanna followed him. "She's a good person. Everybody fucks up. She stays."

Artemis, still comforting the crying Zatanna, went after that. "I'm with Zee on this. M'gann stays."

Dick was biting his lower lip, trying to bite back something horrible, but he kept his composure. "She's out. Nothing bad happened to Conner because of it, but I've seen thousands of people die from types of mind control. I can't work with anyone who does that to people."

Conner was the deciding vote. If there was a tie, I was leaving.

"I'm not voting."

The weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. They hadn't kicked me out.

"But I don't trust her."

I nodded sadly. He shouldn't.

* * *

That was two weeks ago.

I haven't slept more than an hour since that night.

I see Zatanna and Artemis look at me sadly before walking away.

I feel the glares of Dick and Wally burn into the back of my skull.

Kaldur's disappointment and confusion radiates through the Cave.

And the hurt I have to see in Conner's eyes is the worst of it all.

I've stopped baking. I used to do it for Conner all the time when we were together, but there doesn't seem like there's a point anymore.

I don't smile. I don't laugh.

None of us do.

I didn't understand that there could be sadness on Earth when I got here. The White Martians were discriminated against, so I escaped to Earth to get to a world without sadness.

This is so, so much worse than Mars.

I don't know why I don't leave. Maybe I can't.

But I know that I don't sleep.

Conner's face haunts me, and all I can feel is pain.

Someday it'll be over.


	2. Dick

**Dick**

I'm turning into Batman, and there's not a single fucking thing I can do about it.

Like Bruce, I've got a gorgeous girl who wants me, and who I want back, but I won't go anywhere near her because I have commitment and abandonment issues due to seeing the deaths of people I care about.

He's got Wonder Woman. I've got Zatanna. And we've both watched our parents die.

Like Bruce, I'll make any sacrifice I believe is necessary if I'm in the middle of the battle.

I sent Superboy out as a distraction during The Exercise. I didn't let myself believe that it was just a teleportation beam – I knew they were gone. And yet I let him go out there under the pretenses that we would save him once we got to the others, who I knew weren't there.

And also like Bruce, I've holed up inside of myself, so many walls surrounding me that Bruce would either nod approvingly or pity me.

The idea that _the_ Batman could pity me for hiding away from other people shows just how bad it is.

I'm almost as good as he is, and he knows it. I don't have his skill with hand-to-hand combat, but I'm better with technology and acrobatics. But I don't have his killer instinct.

Bruce absolutely will not take a life under any circumstances. Neither will I. I've never shot a gun in my life.

But he's willing to make any sacrifice necessary to win, and it doesn't even seem to affect him. I'm not like that. Sending Conner out into that battle, just trying to get the rest of us inside… it haunts me at night.

I've wanted to kiss Zatanna since the day I met her. She's gorgeous. She's smart. She's hilarious. She doesn't have a mean bone in her body, but she's even better at pranking than I am. She pranked Batman. _Batman._ Even I've never managed that.

So naturally, when I saw that maybe there was a bit of interest from her, I pushed her away.

She and I were best friends.

Now we're teammates. We barely talk.

Wally sort of knows what's going on, but he doesn't really understand. As far as I know, the kid's completely well-adjusted. I've always wondered why his parents are always out of town when he invites me over, but he says that they both just travel a lot for work. Besides, his aunt and uncle usually come over with food, so it never ends up mattering. He doesn't understand what it's like to shut other people out all the time while pretending that everything's fine.

Artemis does. She's worse than I am at hiding it, but she knows what it's like to not be able to let anybody in. I know about her family history, but nobody else does, and I'm not about to tell them. I've always thought that she'll tell us when it's time.

I used to think that Conner and M'gann wouldn't understand at all what it felt like to be awake all night, tossing and turning, thinking about all of the shit they had to deal with.

That was because I didn't think they _had_ any shit to deal with.

But now I know what M'gann's been doing to Conner. I got lucky – Bruce trained me against mental pushes to protect me in case we were dealing with Gorilla Grodd or somebody like that, so she couldn't get inside my mind. I doubt either of them sleeps well anymore.

And Kaldur… pain almost radiates off of him. I've never met a leader so insecure about his ability to lead. And I feel like he lost somebody. He has the look on his face… the look people get when they've lost something that they're never getting back.

I envy Wally. He's the only well-adjusted kid on the Team.

But the reason I don't sleep at night? My parents.

They're not villains, like Sportsmaster and Huntress. I don't pretend to be the only one with family issues on the Team. But at least Artemis has two living parents. Every time I close my eyes, I have to relive the deaths of mine, watching them fall to the Earth while I'm powerless to save them.

There are other faces sometimes too.

I've seen Wally fall to his death.

Artemis getting a knife in the back.

M'gann lying in a circle of flames, with Kaldur only a few feet away, lying in his own ring of fire.

Superboy, collapsed on the floor of a tunnel filled with Kryptonite.

Zatanna with a bullet in her chest.

And in those dreams, it's always all because of me.

I've seen myself push Wally off of a building.

I watched myself stab Artemis in the back.

I lit the match that burned M'gann.

I lit the one that burned Kaldur too.

I built the tunnel that brought Superboy to the ground.

I pulled the trigger on the gun that shot Zatanna.

But in the end, it's always back to falling. And it's my parents falling to the Earth at a pace so fast, I can barely see them.

I see a cut in the tightrope they were walking on, and I see a smiling Joker standing next to me.

"You could have saved them, Birdie Boy. It's all your fault that they're dead. How does that feel?"

I usually wake up screaming.

I know that's not how they died – the rope hadn't been safety-tested, and they fell. But it feels real.

I can't sleep, because if I sleep, I dream, and I dream that I'm the one killing the people I care about.

The idea of that _hurts._

But it feels pretty accurate sometimes.

If it was the only option I had to save Earth, I'd do each of those things in a heartbeat.

That's a painful thing to think, because to be able to do that if it ever becomes necessary, I have to push people away.

I can't let myself get to the point where I'm willing to give up humanity for one person.

I wonder what Zatanna would say to that.

* * *

 _"Team, report to the mission room now."_

Ah, Bruce and his lovely wake-up calls. They never get old.

I'm the first to arrive, since I'm usually the quickest to get ready. Kaldur is soon behind me, the three girls coming in together right after him. Conner's next to arrive, and Wally, as usual, is last.

"Shouldn't the fastest boy alive be the first one here?" Artemis is smirking at Wally.

"Shut up, harpy." Wally mutters.

Batman clears his throat, and we all turn to look at the screen, where pictures of Joker and Harley Quinn are displayed.

"Is he already out again? We put him in Arkham last week!" Wally's the one who says it, but we all have the same thought.

Batman grimaces. "Harley broke him out again. He's using that laughing gas of his to mess with us. As far as we can see, he doesn't have a clear purpose, other than to get the League to chase him around, but he still needs to be stopped."

"Psycho…" Conner says under his breath, and Batman nods.

"You're right, Conner, he is a psycho, so be careful. Joker's the most twisted villain out there."

* * *

We're in Gotham within a few minutes, and we arrive to absolute panic. With a touch of maniacal laughter.

Joker's wreaking havoc all throughout the city, his laughing gas spreading all over the place. And of course, the clown himself is waiting for us.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite Birdie Boy and his friends! What a lovely surprise!"

I sigh. "Back to Arkham, Joker. Let's go."

"Oh, but I don't think so! You see, this time, I have a plan!"

More laughing gas bombs go off all around us, and we all look at each other, confused. Everyone on the Team is wearing a rebreather. The laughing gas won't affect us.

But then I realize that nobody's laughing. The civilians are supposed to be laughing, and I can't hear laughter.

"Guys, why isn't anybody laughing?" Wally sounds as worried as I suddenly feel.

"Attack, my minions!" I hear Joker's scream, and it catches me off guard.

That's why I'm not really ready for the mass of civilians that come rushing at us.

We try not to panic, and Kaldur immediately starts giving orders.

"Kid Flash, Artemis, Miss Martian, Zatanna, you're on crowd control. Do not use lethal force under any circumstances. Robin, Superboy, you two are with me. We will take the Joker and Harley Quinn."

Kaldur sprints towards Harley, with Wally, Artemis, Zatanna, and M'gann taking off towards the civilians. Superboy and I nod at each other, and attack the Joker.

His ability to laugh manically while fighting has never ceased to amaze or scare me, and that's what happens here. He's laughing, and while I like to pretend it doesn't get to me, that's the sound that haunts me at night. Hearing it in person is just so much worse.

Superboy goes high and I go low. He starts throwing punches while I attempt to sweep Joker's legs out from under him, but we aren't having any success. I've never understood Joker like Batman has, and that's hurting us here.

Joker laughs. "Is that all, Birdie Boy? You never could live up to ol' Batsy's standards…"

I scream and throw a punch at Joker's head. It connects, but the contact is weak. He's gotten into my head.

I'm throwing violent punches now. I've lost all regard for strategy. I've lost all regard for the safety of myself, my teammates, and the mind-controlled civilians around us. I don't even know what's happening.

"Get out of my fucking head, you piece of shit! You don't even deserve to live anymore! Look around you! Is this what you want, Joker? All this fucking blood on your hands? You're a murderer! A fucking serial killer!"

He just laughs, even as my punches connect with his face. "I broke Birdie Boy! I finally broke Batsy's little bird!"

I scream, and it's like no sound I've ever made before.

I'm pretty sure the crowds are gone by now. I'm betting Superboy went to help Kaldur, and they've got Harley tied up. I can't even care enough to look.

There are tears forming in my eyes, but my expression is one of pure rage. I might just kill him. God knows he deserves it.

I suddenly stop hitting him and just glare for a few seconds. And then I scream again.

One punch. "You!"

Another. "Deserve!"

Another. "To!"

A fourth. "Die!"

He's unconscious by now.

"I've heard it's cruel to beat a man while he's down. But you're not a man, are you, Joker? You're a monster, and you're proud of it. And you deserve to die." My voice is cold, empty of all emotion.

I take the gun in Joker's limp right hand and I empty three rounds into his chest.

The Joker is dead.

* * *

My teammates won't even look at me anymore.

Unlike with M'gann, kicking me off the Team was never discussed. I don't know why. She wasn't the one who killed.

Wally tried to convince me it wasn't my fault. He told me that the villain deserved it. I ignored him, and we haven't talked since. He doesn't understand what it's like to have that kind of inner pain. He doesn't have dead or cruel parents, and he can have any girl he wants – the M'gann flirting was only an act, which was obvious to me. Wally doesn't flirt like that with girls he really wants. He doesn't understand the pain of what I go through every day.

Kaldur gave his typical leader speech – polite, but distant. He didn't have much to say.

Artemis told me she understood what it was like. I believe that.

Conner told me it would be okay. It was a surprisingly nice thing to hear from the clone.

M'gann just cried.

I never saw Zatanna at all.

But seeing Bruce was the worst. He disowned me. Richard Grayson would still be the ward of Bruce Wayne, but as Batman and Robin, we were done. He was adopting a second ward, a second Robin. Jason Todd.

That was how Nightwing was created.

My insomnia is worse now. I spend most nights on solo patrol in Blüdhaven, never sleeping at all. It's even worse than Gotham – the villains aren't as famous, but they're even more twisted, and the police system is even more corrupt.

Joker was my first kill, but not my last.

I like to tell myself that it's addition by subtraction, that I'm saving thousands of lives by taking a few, but I know that I'm kidding myself. That's not the problem, the problem is my loss of morality.

I'm not a hero, I'm a vigilante.

And I'm an insomniac.


	3. Wally

**Wally**

I pride myself on my acting ability.

My entire life, people have thought of me as the well-adjusted kid. Confident, secure, and loved.

That's absolute bullshit, but I've convinced them that it's true.

I'm not loved, I have no confidence whatsoever, I'm insecure, and I don't sleep at night.

I've got a few reasons for that, but let's start with the most obvious one.

My parents.

Even Dick has no idea why they're never around. I tell him that they're just out of town for work, and he seems to buy it. My aunt and uncle believe the same thing.

Nobody else knows enough about my family to ask.

Nobody knows why I spend so much time at the Cave.

Nobody knows why I never talk about my life at home, even though I'm supposed to be the only one with a real life at home.

And nobody knows the truth about why my parents are never home.

They've pretty much abandoned me.

When I performed that experiment at eight years old, they hated me for it. My increased metabolism meant that they had to spend twice as much on food. We weren't that well off, so that hurt.

Bruce Wayne eventually started helping us out financially, and he had Uncle Barry train me. I started learning to use my powers. But when I started fighting, risking my life to save the world… my parents had issues with handling that.

My dad started threatening me, saying that he would hit me if I didn't stop fighting.

I didn't.

The first time he hit me was the worst. It hurt, but the worst part was the betrayal, the idea that my dad would hit me.

The next time was a little easier.

But the third time, I tried to fight back. I knocked him over, ran to my room, and locked the door.

About five minutes later, I heard my mom scream.

I flew down the stairs, wondering what was happening. I saw the door close, and I looked down to see my mother with her arm broken and a note lying next to her.

 _"_ _If you fight back, this is what happens to her."_

I didn't fight back any more after that.

It got worse. As I got older, I could smell the alcohol on his breath when he got home at night. They started buying less and less food.

They were slowly starving me. They knew that I couldn't survive unless I ate a certain amount of food, and they purposely gave me less.

I was twelve years old.

My dad had long since realized that he could beat me as often as he wanted to, wherever he wanted to, because it would heal almost instantly. I became his human punching bag.

He had broken thirteen bones by the time I turned thirteen.

And when I turned fourteen, they left.

They still showed up to any family gathering in Central City, but other than that, they were never home.

I didn't know where they were.

I still don't.

* * *

And then there's _Artemis._

The subject of all my fantasies and all my nightmares.

Who, coincidentally, wants me dead.

Fuck my life.

Anyway, the first time I saw her, I was so surprised by how beautiful she was that I tripped and fell on my face.

Thanks to my spectacular first impression, she thinks I'm a dumbass and calls me Baywatch.

That escalated until she hated me and I pretended to hate her.

I thought I had a chance with M'gann until I met Artemis. From then on, I couldn't have cared less if I had a chance or not – I just kept flirting with her to keep up appearances.

I've always been a big science guy, and maybe that's one of the things about Artemis that drives me crazy.

And I mean the good kind of crazy.

She's a genetic impossibility.

She's at least half-Vietnamese, but she's a natural blonde.

Impossible.

And unless both of her parents have gray eyes, her eyes shouldn't be possible either.

And her personality… she drives me crazy, but she drives me _crazy._

She's fucking _hot,_ and she knows it.

She'll parade around in the Cave in nothing but her underwear, and then she'll bitch-slap me for staring, even though she was only walking around like that because she _knew_ I would stare.

She's _insufferable_.

I work with the hottest girl on _any_ planet, and she's practically trying to seduce me! Sue me for staring!

And she's so damn secretive!

She never tells any of us anything. I don't know anything about her. None of us do, except probably Dick, who would have just hacked Batman's file on her.

I have issues trusting people who I don't know anything about.

After my parents… people used to start with my trust and then they broke it. Now I don't trust _anybody_.

And a person I don't even know? Forget about it.

I can barely work with Artemis because I absolutely refuse to trust her.

I keep waiting for the knife in the back. Or the arrow in the back, I guess.

I wouldn't try to get out of the way, either.

Maybe nobody's noticed, but my fighting style just keeps getting more aggressive. I play less defense. It's the reason I get injured so often.

I may not be trying to get myself killed, but I'm sure as hell not trying to stop it from happening.

But is it the arrow in the back I need to be worried about… or the arrow in the heart?

Artemis will find out that I'm in love with her eventually.

And yes, it's love. I've never felt for anyone the way I feel for Artemis. I'd die for her.

Then again, these days, I'd die for anybody.

It'd give me an excuse.

And when Artemis finds out…

She'll leave the Team. Or I'll be forced to.

And that can't happen. Without the Team, without her… I'll die.

Without the Team, I'd have died a long time ago.

But now… the girl who hates me more than any villain means more to me than even the Team.

That's a scary thought.

She'd probably kill me if she had the chance, and I'm in love with her.

I'm up all night thinking about her, the edges between nightmare and fantasy slowly blurring until I can't tell which is which anymore.

And I can't let myself go to sleep because whenever I do, I relive what my dad used to do to me.

I remember my mom watching and nodding as he beat me, coming home with less and less food until they were eating dinner for two while I sat and watched them, slowly wasting away.

I got one meal every three days, which was the bare minimum to keep me alive.

And then, after all those years, I saw Artemis for the first time, and there was hope.

And now she hates me.

I fucked it all up.

That's my reasoning for not sleeping.

I've fucked up everything that I've gotten close to.

And I have to stay awake and relive it all every night.

* * *

I wake up screaming.

I look at the clock next to my bed in the Cave.

4:32 in the morning.

I guess that tonight is one of the rare nights that I fall asleep for about an hour before the nightmares wake me up.

Tonight's nightmare wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Just another one about my dad.

But today… today is special, and not in a good way.

Today is my sixteenth birthday.

My parents abandoned me two years ago today.

I get out of bed and go into the kitchen, where I'm surprised to find Artemis already making coffee.

"Morning, Baywatch. You're up early."

I put on my best fake smile. "Hey, Arty. Just excited about my birthday, so I couldn't really sleep."

Her eyebrows shoot up. "Is that today? Crap, I totally forgot."

"It's fine. Make me some of that coffee and we'll call it even."

She laughs. "Sure. I'm guessing the birthday boy needs a bunch of milk and sugar to make it less bitter?"

I roll my eyes. "Just black."

"Wow. Baywatch grew a pair."

"Shut it, harpy."

"You want your coffee or not?"

I smirk and nod. It's nice to actually have a somewhat civilized conversation with Artemis.

Something occurs to me. "Hey, Artemis, I never asked why you were up so early. I gave you my excuse, what's yours?"

"I'm a morning person."

"It's not even five yet. That's not even morning, that's still nighttime."

"I couldn't sleep either, okay? Drop it, Wally." The harshness in her voice is surprising.

She hands me a mug a minute later, steaming and filled to the brim with coffee. The caffeine may not wake me up, but the taste sure does. I've never had anything so bitter.

I nod. "Thanks, Arty."

"Don't call me that." She still sounds bitter.

"Hey, I'm sorry I pushed on wanting to know why you were awake. Whatever the reason is, you don't have to tell me."

She nods, but doesn't respond.

So much for civilized.

M'gann floats into the room next. I get why she couldn't sleep. If I had done something that was anything like what she did, I wouldn't be able to sleep either.

Well, I don't sleep anyway, so I guess I can't back that up.

"Hey, M'gann." Artemis gives her a soft smile. I just nod.

I haven't forgiven her for what she did. I probably never will.

 _"_ _Team, report to the mission room now."_

Oh, Batman.

I drain the last bit of my coffee and stroll over to the mission room. For once, I'm the first one there.

The rest of the Team files in pretty quickly. They all look as tired as I feel, M'gann, Artemis, and Dick in particular. I guess they didn't sleep well either.

An image of Scarecrow illuminates on the holoscreen behind Batman.

I try not to groan. None of us have brought up what happened the last time we were in Gotham.

"Nothing different from what Scarecrow's usually doing, but be careful. He's a master manipulator. Take him out and send him over to Arkham, and I expect at least one person to stay behind to make sure he gets locked up. I don't trust the Gotham police system.

"I'll do it." Dick seems hopeful, maybe seeing this as a way to get back onto Batman's good side.

"No."

"I'll go." Artemis and I say at the same time.

"Kid Flash and Artemis then. It would probably be better to have two people with Scarecrow anyway."

She groans. I just stand silently, pretending her disappointment doesn't hurt.

* * *

Of all the villains the Team has ever been forced to fight, Scarecrow may be my least favorite of them all. He preys on the nightmares people have, their worst fears coming to life right before their eyes because of his fear gas.

I know what it's like to have to live in fear, and anybody who preys on that is something less than human.

The only one that might be worse is fighting Sportsmaster, because Artemis gets visibly shaken when we fight him. He's the only villain – no, only person – I've ever seen rattle her confidence.

And we always lose. For some reason, Sportsmaster gets to each of us, not just Artemis.

He scares me more than Joker did because of that.

Kaldur approaches me. "Wally, are you doing alright? It was unusual not to see a reaction from you when you were paired with Artemis for this mission."

"It's fine, Kaldur. We're teammates. We're going to have to work together, might as well accept it."

He raises an eyebrow, and Dick looks at me in shock. Even Conner looks mildly surprised.

"Wally, are you feeling okay?" Conner asks, and it's supposed to be a joke, but everybody knows that it isn't.

"Yeah, I just don't feel too well. It's not a big deal."

"Sorry that you're sick on your birthday, Wally." M'gann seems legitimately sorry, probably because she just thinks that I'm sick.

"Maybe he should stay here and not be paired with me or come anywhere near me." Artemis is scowling.

I just nod, and the Team – excluding Artemis – gasps.

"Wally, aren't you gonna… you know… respond?" Dick's eyes are about to pop out of his head.

"Nah, this isn't a fight I need to have right now." Maturing isn't really what I'm doing, but fighting with Artemis isn't what I need on today of all days.

Zatanna's been quiet the whole time. She hasn't really talked much at all since Dick took out the Joker. "Good to see that you two have finally grown up."

"Give him time. I don't buy a second of this." Artemis is still scowling at me, for some reason madder at me than usual.

"Artemis, just enjoy the quiet." M'gann says it with one of the few smiles she can still put on, but I take it in an entire different way than she intends it.

"Sorry for talking, M'gann. If you felt that way, you should have just said something. But I probably wouldn't have heard you because I clearly talk so much."

She gasps, and I try to keep the sadness off of my face. No matter what she did, she doesn't deserve the amount of anger I have locked up on this day.

"Sorry. That was harsh."

"Damn right it was, Wallace. What the fuck is your problem today?" Artemis is furious. I don't know why.

"Please leave me alone, Artemis. Today's not the day for this."

"Ironic that your birthday would be the one day you're _not_ an egotistical douchebag."

"Artemis, I don't wanna have this fight."

"Then get out of here. I can't even look at you anymore. I can trace every single one of my problems back to your sorry ass, West. So if you don't wanna fight, go somewhere where I don't have to look at you."

Silence.

"Artemis, what's happening with you? Both of you?" Dick is freaking out. "Artemis, you're ready to kill him, and Wally, you're not even trying to stop her. This isn't right. What's happening?"

I decide to just end it. "Well, what's happening right now is M'gann's going to land the Bioship. I'll run to Gotham, meet you guys there. We don't need this fight interrupting the Team."

Nobody objects. It hurts, but I accept it.

* * *

I roll into Gotham with my rebreather on about a minute before the Team shows up.

Scarecrow's fear gas is everywhere, and I decide not to wait. I charge straight at him, my eyes red. I've been crying the whole way to Gotham, and I can barely see.

Even without much vision, my left elbow hits Scarecrow in the stomach. The contact is good, and with my speed, it knocks him back a few feet.

I hear the Bioship land behind me, and the Team sprints out. Kaldur, M'gann, and Conner run towards the crowds of people rolling on the ground and hallucinating, and Zatanna, Dick, and Artemis run towards me.

We flank him pretty quickly – I'm at his back, Zatanna at his right side, Artemis on his left side, and Dick giving him that cold glare that Robin could never pull off but Nightwing always could. He knows Gotham the best, and Scarecrow the best, so he's doing the talking.

"It's over, Scarecrow. This is finished."

He smiles that crooked smile of his, and I realize that he has something for this. Nobody else seems to see it. "Well, Mr. Nightwing, you're going to have to make a choice."

"There is no choice, Scarecrow. You're going back to Arkham, dead or alive. I can arrange both."

"Ah, I've heard all about your loss of morality." That shakes Dick. I can see the anger flash in his eyes. "But am I more important than your Team?"

And before any of us can move, he pulls out a gun and shoots.

I think he's aiming at someone's stomach or something, but it's much worse than that.

He makes impact with Artemis's rebreather.

She gasps, and my eyes go wide. She's inhaled the fear gas.

"Finish him!" I scream, I grab Artemis, and I run faster than I've ever run before.

All I'm really trying to do is get Artemis out of Gotham. I sprint as fast as I can, and after five minutes, I'm in the forest of upstate New York. We should be safe here.

I take off her mask and check for wounds, but there doesn't seem to be anything vital.

But she's starting to hyperventilate. The fear gas is kicking in.

As far as I saw, she only took one breath. Her panic attack should only last about five minutes.

But the things I hear in those next five minutes scare me like nothing has since the Joker got shot three times in the stomach.

* * *

"No, I didn't tell them anything! I wouldn't betray you, I swear!"

"Don't send me back there!"

"I can't go back there again!"

"Please, no! Don't leave me!"

"Wally!"

I blink in surprise. I wasn't expecting to hear my name. I know she can't hear me, but I scream back anyway.

"Artemis! Artemis, I'm here!"

"Wally! Don't leave me!"

"Artemis, I'm not leaving you! I'm right here!"

"No!"

She goes silent, writhing in pain on the ground. And then she stops moving.

I scream. "Artemis!"

I check her pulse, and it's fast. Way too fast.

She speaks again, quietly, and I stop panicking. She's going to be okay. She's going to make it out of this.

"Don't do it, Dad. Don't hurt me for trying to be better."

She screams again, and I gasp. Artemis… Artemis got abused too?

I hear her voice again, still quiet. "Yeah, that's why they got rid of me. Apparently there's a mole on the Team, and they think it's me. Because of you, Dad. Or should I call you Sportsmaster?"

She screams again, throwing herself a few feet to the side as if she's been punched. Which is the same way I feel.

Artemis can't be the daughter of Sportsmaster. She just… can't be.

I hear one last scream, one last shake… and Artemis opens her eyes. Her nightmare is over.

"What happened, Wally? Did you fuck up the mission again and he got away?"

"No, Artemis. We got careless and he shot your rebreather. I got you away from the fear gas and the rest of them stayed to finish Scarecrow. You're done for the night – we have to get back to the Cave and report to Batman." I'm holding back tears. The first thought she had when she woke up was that I somehow fucked up the mission.

"Oh… well, thanks, then."

"No problem. Let's head back, I'll carry you. I know you don't like it, but it's the only way we're getting back to the Cave."

"Fine, whatever. By the way, Wally… did I say anything while having that nightmare?"

I freeze. I'm not sure whether to tell her what I heard or not.

I take the chance.

"Artemis, I wanted to leave and give you your privacy, but I had to stay with you…"

"Wally, what did I say?" Her voice is more aggressive now, like she's realized that I know something. I guess that she has.

"You said that Sportsmaster was your father."

She sinks to the ground slowly. It's like watching a person die in slow motion, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to help.

She looks away. "I guess I have to leave now, then."

"Artemis, you don't!" Even I'm surprised by the force in my own voice, but it's only occurring to me now that I need her to stay. Maybe, just maybe, being able to work with Artemis through this can fix my trust issues.

"Artemis, I trust you. I don't believe that you're a double-agent, or a mole, and I believe that you're a good person. If the Team finds out, I'll vouch for you."

"Why? Wally, you hate me, and I'm _supposed to be a villain._ Or did you miss that?"

And then I make my mistake.

I've been trying this whole conversation not to say anything stupid. I know how volatile a place she's in right now.

But Wally West has always had a serious case of Foot In His Mouth syndrome. And that kicks in here.

"I don't hate you, I love you."

I realize what I've said exactly 0.2213453 seconds after I say it. The moment before my realization is the most beautiful moment of my life, however short it is. I've finally confessed. My secret is out. I don't have to hide that I'm in love with Artemis.

And then my brain catches up to my mouth, right as her brain catches up to… well, the situation, I guess.

"You… what?"

"I'm sorry. It was nothing, I'm just freaking out right now. I thought you had died for a second there, and now I'm overreacting to everything that's happening right now."

"No, Wally, it wasn't nothing, you didn't just say that for nothing."

I'm silent.

I've fucked up every future I've ever envisioned for myself.

I can't see a life for myself without Artemis in it, and that's why I know I'm in love. And I remember the lesson that I was taught but never learned.

My parents never said it, but they showed me this lesson when they left.

Love isn't real. Love is hate dressed up in pretty pinks and reds and purples. Love is supposed to be a pure emotion, something that can't possibly be tainted by hate, sadness, anger, or anything else. It's not that at all. Love is the least pure of all of the emotions – it's like drinking unclean water. It may _look_ clear and wonderful, but it's not, it's polluted and it can hurt you. That's love. Love stabs you in the back. Love will even stab you in the chest, because it doesn't care how it hurts you – it can hurt you unexpectedly, or you can see it coming and not even have the willpower to fight it. Because love means that you'll give the person whatever they want – and if they want to keep hurting you again and again and again, then you'll let them.

My parents taught me that, even if they didn't mean to.

I'm reminded of it now as I look at Artemis, and that lesson in love is quickly becoming the lesson that the fastest boy alive couldn't learn fast enough.

"Wally, you don't love me."

I see pain in her eyes.

I see anger in her eyes.

I see confusion.

Sadness.

And for a second the sadness is gone, and I see a little flicker of something I can't decipher, but then it's gone and the sadness is back.

I don't know what to tell her.

"Artemis, do you want me to love you?"

This one catches her off-guard. It catches me off-guard that I even said it.

"I don't know, Wally. I don't know what love is."

"Artemis, neither do I. But I know that I can be that person for you. I heard from your nightmare that you got abused. I… I may not have the experience with pain and death that I'm guessing you do, but I know what that feels like. I can… I can be there for you, and I don't know what love is, but I'm pretty sure being there for the people you love is a basic requirement."

"Wally, you don't love me."

I'm silent for a second. "Yeah, Artemis… I do. I really think I do. I may not understand everything about you, but I can be there for you and I can love you. And would you even be asking me questions if it was something you'd never thought about?"

She's quiet for a couple minutes. I am too. Neither of us once to break the silence.

"No, Wally, I wouldn't be asking questions if I hadn't thought about it. I think about it all the time. Ever since the Exercise."

And suddenly I hear a soft whistle, and there's a tranquilizer dart in my side.

I look up at Artemis in shock.

"If my father knew that you were in love with me, he'd never stop hunting you until one of you was dead. And you would be the one dead. I'm sorry, Wally. I'll miss you. Don't come looking for me."

The last thing I see is Artemis running away.

* * *

The Team has no idea where I am.

I don't sleep. I eat enough to keep my energy up, no more.

I've been searching for Artemis for a week.

I'm beginning to think that she'll never be found. But I won't stop looking for her.

I think I saw her once. I was in Gotham, and I saw what looked like her blonde hair disappearing into an alley. In the one second it took me to get there, whatever I saw was gone. I can't think of anybody other than Artemis that could pull that off.

I won't stop looking.

I don't know if the Team is looking for us. They probably are.

But I can't let them find me.

If they find me, they'll slow me down, and I can't be slowed down. I have to find her.

So now I'm hunting for the most elusive, most beautiful creature on the planet.

And I'm not sure I can find her if she doesn't want to be found.

So I have to work all the time.

So I'm an insomniac.

 **Okay, so I've got a few notes.**

 **1\. In case this wasn't obvious, I'm going to be updating less frequently. I've mostly been writing because of depression, and since that's improving, I write less. I am going to try to finish out these stories, however. No clue how long it will take.**

 **2\. I've been asked a couple of times for an update on Nightmares, and it WILL be coming soon, so you can be waiting for that.**

 **3\. Fury, however, I think I'm probably going to delete. I really liked the first two chapters, but I didn't like the direction I ended up going in. If you want me to continue that, you can leave a review on one of my stories and let me know, but as of right now, I think I'm going to delete. Deleting Chapters 3 &4 and restarting from the first two is also an option.**

 **4\. I want to thank all the people that have been reviewing in the time that I've been gone. It means a lot to know that you guys care about my writing, so please keep that up. It's always great to hear from fellow fandom lovers.**

 **5\. Not sure who will be coming up next here. Probably Artemis, for obvious reasons, but I might save her until later for those same reasons. You might be looking at Zatanna next... but who knows, it could be Kaldur or Conner too! Let me know if you have a preference, because I can't decide...**

 **6\. I do requests. Feel free to leave one in a review or a PM.**

 **7\. After the shameless self-promotion of Note #6, you deserve an award if you're still reading this. I just want to thank you all again, because it means so much to know that I have people out there who actually read this work. That's a really cool thing to think about. Love you guys.**

 **8\. Just kidding, I'm done. There is no #8. I've talked too much already.**


	4. Zatanna

**Zatanna**

Why am I an insomniac?

Oh, where do I even start?

I'll go with the obvious reason.

In the last two months, I've lost my father, the boy I love, my two best friends, and another one of my teammates. The only people in the world that could make me laugh have, one by one, had the life sucked out of them, each in a different way.

There's no sign of Wally or Artemis. Wally raced her away after the fight with Scarecrow, and neither has been seen since. I'm especially worried about Wally – he can't survive long alone with his metabolism, unless he has some way to get food. I know Artemis can handle herself, but she didn't have any reason to run away, and she _certainly_ wouldn't have taken Wally with her.

I think. I'm not even sure of that anymore. I'm not sure of anything.

They were the only people that could make me laugh without even trying. The sexual tension between them was hilarious. And they were both amazing to me. Wally jokingly flirted a bit, but he was never serious. I think he knew that I was into his best friend. And Artemis was my best friend from the moment I walked into the Cave for the first time. She was one of the few people who just… got me. And Wally didn't have to get me – he just had to be there when I needed a laugh. And he always was.

Until he disappeared into the woods with Artemis in his arms and vanished.

It'll be two weeks since their disappearance tomorrow. We've all been alternating days searching – M'gann and I search one day, Kaldur and Conner the next. It keeps our energy up. Without any morale left to speak of, energy is something we sorely need.

Flash and Green Arrow haven't taken any time off at all. Batman never does, but he seems to be working even harder now, if that's possible.

And Dick… he checks in daily with Kaldur to let us know where he is, but he hasn't been physically seen either. He always refuses any offers of help.

Artemis and Wally being gone is tearing us all apart.

And what scares me is that some of us were already torn to pieces.

M'gann hasn't been the same since we found out what had been happening with Conner. She's withdrawn into herself, never doing anything. She talks only when necessary or when spoken to. She's stopped baking. She cries a lot, whether she's in public or not. She's dropped out of school, which she was so excited about being at for the first time. Calling her a shell of her former wonderful, lively self wouldn't come close to describing what's happened to her.

I try not to show weakness. I'm not as bad as Artemis when it comes to emotion, but I hate feeling weak. It really gets to me to have to show that to someone else.

That said, I just saw my dad vanish into Doctor Fate forever. It's likely that I won't ever talk to him again, even if I see him every day.

That hurts.

A lot.

And it almost broke me.

Finding out about M'gann brought me closer to my breaking point.

I broke as the first bullet made contact with Joker's chest.

My first thought every morning when I wake up is, assuming I went to sleep, which doesn't always happen, _"I'm in love with a killer."_

I have that same thought every night before I try to go to sleep.

I don't want to forgive him for killing someone, even if it's going to save lives in the long run.

But I already have.

I never went to go see him when he was in the infirmary. I couldn't handle it.

Losing Wally and Artemis has just made my pain worse.

It was losing Dick to himself that really broke me.

I think the first time I cut myself was about three days after Dick shot Joker. I just had to try something to release my pain. I'd heard about cutting on the Internet, and I figured it was worth a try.

The high it gave me only lasted a few minutes, but it was nice. I hadn't been happy in a while.

It became a daily thing after that. People may say that cutting yourself is bad, but if the high that it gives you is the only thing that prevents you from suicide, isn't it worth it?

I'm in a bad place.

I don't sleep, obviously. I'm up all night running through memories of all of the people I've lost, even if one of them is in the Cave with me right now and I know the exact location of another one. Dick is completely convinced that Artemis is still in Gotham, and he thinks that Wally is with her. That's where he is.

But they could be anywhere in the world. And they might not even be together. They could be dead. We have no idea.

My father. M'gann. Artemis. Wally.

Dick.

I lose sleep because of the people I've lost.

* * *

The guys are searching for Artemis and Wally today, and I'm getting restless. M'gann isn't any help – she's locked up in her room, probably crying, definitely hating herself.

She probably should hate herself. I defended her when we voted on whether to kick her off the Team, but she did a horrible, horrible thing.

I run a simulation in the training room with a couple of the bots we keep around for training – my hand-to-hand combat needs work, and I know it. I eventually just give up and obliterate them with spells, leaving my mess behind for somebody else to clean up.

My heart just isn't in it today.

I walk into my room and make a quick cut on my right thigh with the knife I've hidden in my nightstand drawer. It's shallow, but it gives me the rush I need.

I quickly mutter the spell that gets me into uniform and hop onto my motorcycle. I've had to take Dick's place covering Blüdhaven, because he's been busy searching for Artemis and Wally. I cover it when Kaldur and Conner search, they cover it together when M'gann and I are searching.

I could probably get M'gann to come with me on patrol, but she'd be useless. She's too depressed to help anyone these days.

She was one of my best friends, and now she's a teammate, if I can even still call her that. The friendship we used to have is gone, because the friend I used to have is gone.

M'gann isn't her happy, bubbly self anymore.

I shake off the thoughts of my former friend as I fly through the Zeta Tube into Blüdhaven. The city is a disaster – Gotham looks like heaven by comparison. The villains aren't household names, but the city is way more corrupt. Any criminals I catch tonight will be out on the streets again within three days.

Someday, this city is either going to die, or be the death of the Justice League. I honestly believe that.

It doesn't take me long to find some sort of trouble – it's just a bank robbery, nothing major, but I'm in a bad mood.

I'm ready to hit someone.

I sprint inside of the bank, not taking much time to assess my situation. I look around enough to find that it's a pretty stereotypical holdup – two men with guns, one stuffing a bag with money, and probably a fourth in a getaway car outside.

I don't even know why they need a getaway car – any policemen they see will probably fistbump each of the criminals and congratulate them on pulling off such a clean robbery.

But this isn't going to be a clean robbery. It's not going to be a robbery at all. I want to hit something.

Or even better, someone.

I walk in, already shouting spells. The men aren't ready for me, and I get them by surprise.

 _"Mrasid eseht srebbor!"_

The weapons that the first two thugs are holding fly out of their hands and break against the wall. The third man has stopped paying attention to the money and is now glaring at me with an angry look in his eyes.

I make my first mistake when I rush one blindly, my rage blinding my ability to concentrate on my surroundings. I get one good shot in, but he's clearly a better fighter than me, and he grabs me and throws me across the room.

I get up, cursing under my breath, and shout another spell.

 _"Eit meht pu!"_

Ropes suddenly bind the men's wrists and ankles, but the rope doesn't do much. Each of these men is about a foot taller than me, and they each weigh at least one-hundred pounds more.

They quickly burst through the rope, and two of them – the two who started out with guns – rush me.

My second mistake comes when I freeze up instead of getting into a defensive stance. I'm startled by the direct assault, and it works. I'm knocked down.

And my third mistake comes when I try to throw a punch after I get up instead of retreating from a fight that I'm not going to win.

My third mistake is the last one I make.

The man I throw the punch at easily dodges and uses my momentum to shove me towards the other man, who is waiting with a clenched fist.

He throws one punch, and everything goes black.

* * *

I wake up in a dark room with no idea where I am.

I start assessing my surroundings, even though I can't see much of them. My wrists and ankles are tied, and I'm tied to what I can only assume is a chair. The rope is strong, and it doesn't budge when I try to wriggle my way out of it.

And my mouth is gagged. Shit.

I'm not going anywhere, so I try to figure out where I am. Not much success there either – my surroundings, a bunch of crates, seem to indicate that I'm in some sort of warehouse, but in Blüdhaven, that's not exactly a distinctive feature. I could be anywhere, possibly even outside the city.

A man walks in, and I can see that he's not one of the three that attacked that bank. He's smaller in stature, but he intimidates me even more than the others. I can tell that this man is dangerous.

He places an inhibitor collar around my neck, and he removes my gag. Then he speaks.

"Hello, Zatanna."

I gasp. I know that voice.

I look up into the smug face of Dr. Hugo Strange.

"Why are you here? You're the warden at Belle Reve. Aren't you a good guy?"

He laughs, and it's a horrible, horrible sound. It gives me chills. It's somewhere between a screech and a growl, gruff but high-pitched.

"Miss Zatara, I can assure you that I am most certainly _not_ a 'good guy.'"

I raise an eyebrow. I'm not usually addressed by my last name. My father's name.

"I'm here on the behalf of an old friend who spent some time in my penitentiary before he 'broke out,' which is what we decided to say happened. He's looking for someone."

"Even if I knew who you were talking about, I wouldn't help you."

"So the name Artemis Crock means nothing to you?"

I flinch. It's a minimal movement, but it's enough for a man as perceptive as Strange to notice.

"I see I've struck a nerve. Miss Zatara, you're going to tell me everything you know about Miss Crock and her whereabouts. You're going to tell me everyone who is looking for her and where they've looked, or this is going to be a very, very unpleasant stay here for you. I am above hitting women unless they are a direct threat to my well-being, which you are not, but I have men who will do anything for money. There is also a possibility that if I let my men in here, they will rape you. I will not stop them."

Tears are streaming down my cheeks by the time he finishes his monologue. I've just been threatened with rape and violent physical abuse, and my magic isn't going to help me. I have no way to defend myself.

I choke back a sob and start talking.

"I don't know much. She's the hero Artemis, but you obviously know that. She inhaled a minimal amount of fear gas during a fight with Scarecrow two weeks ago. Kid Flash rushed her out of Gotham, and neither of them has been heard from since. Aqualad, Superboy and I have been searching for them, but we've found no trace of either."

He growls. "Useless information. Nothing I didn't already know. This girl really does take after her father. She's a very talented disappearing artist."

I raise an eyebrow. "Who's her father? And who's looking for her."

"They're the same person, but whom that person is isn't your concern." Strange pauses and laughs. "I'll tell you anyway though. Artemis Crock is being hunted by Sportsmaster. It is a hunt she will not survive."

I gasp.

Sportsmaster is Artemis' father.

I'm too shocked to really react, so I don't scream when I see three of Strange's thugs walk into the room.

Strange smiles. "These men are Randy, Jon, and Lazarus. They are going to be allowed to have their way with you. You will not be able to stop them. You will probably survive. You will probably wish that was not the case."

He walks out of the room, and I finally become aware enough to scream.

The one he calls Jon walks up to me first. He tears off my blouse and my jacket with one powerful tug and grabs one of my breasts with his massive hand. He slaps me and rips off my pants, leaving me only in my underpants.

He's disgusting. Muscular, sure. He's physically attractive. But it's clear from what he's doing to me that the man has no soul inside him. He's committing one of the few unforgivable sins.

He slaps me again, and I scream, begging God for unconsciousness.

My wish is granted.

* * *

I wake up screaming.

I'm in the infirmary back at the Cave. I have no idea how I got there.

There's blood and bruises all over me, and my left leg is in a cast. I don't even want to think about how drugged up I am on painkillers.

Black Canary walks in. "Good to see you awake, Zatanna. What happened?"

"It was Hugo Strange, he –"

"Zatanna, Hugo Strange is dead."

My mouth drops open. "What? How?"

"I was actually hoping you knew. We found you next to three dead thugs, naked. We don't know what happened to those thugs, but all three of them had slit throats and wrists. Somebody wanted to kill them painfully. When we searched the area for signs of who did it, we found Strange's body, and the same thing had happened."

I'm silent. I know exactly who did this.

Dick's not in Gotham at all. He's not even looking for Wally and Artemis.

He's in Blüdhaven, taking care of criminals the only way that will keep them from walking right back onto the streets.

I can't even think about it.

"I don't know what happened."

"We didn't think you would. We just wanted to ask."

We're both silent for a minute, and then I ask about what I've been trying to avoid. The remains of my virginity.

"Black Canary, was I raped?"

"Yes."

She holds me as I start to sob.

* * *

The love of my life copes with his sorrows by murdering people.

My best friend copes by not coping at all. She just sits in her room in silence.

Two of my other best friends are gone and probably dead.

The Team is falling apart. I just got raped, for crying out loud, and my problems seem nonexistent compared to the others.

I worry for Kaldur. He's the only person who hasn't been destroyed by something yet.

It makes me wonder if he's next.

I cry as I cut myself again. It's deeper this time. I need all of the artificial happiness I can get.

There's no real good in my life anymore.

It makes me wonder why I even bother with life these days. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to just go to sleep and not wake up.

I'm an insomniac because sometimes, you just lose too much to think you'll ever win again.

And then you lose again, and you realize just how right you actually are.


End file.
